


The Landscape of a Starry Night

by thedirtunderyourskin



Category: Block B
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 09:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1644032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedirtunderyourskin/pseuds/thedirtunderyourskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiho turns around too fast at the sound of a voice and his head spins slightly. <i>There you are</i>, he thinks, smiling to himself but it’s followed by, <i>why are you looking at me like that, like I’m a madman.</i> But Jiho sees that twinkle in Kyung’s eye, one he’s seen since he was 8 and Jiho thought for the first time that he never wanted Kyung to leave his side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Landscape of a Starry Night

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of a sequel to [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1568615). You don't have to read it to read this, but it may make a little more sense if you did.
> 
> Definitely not as angsty as the other part, but not sugar sweet either.
> 
> Trigger warning for very vague mentions of suicide.

_‘...we are the crossroads, my little outlaw,_

_and this is the map of my heart, the landscape_

_after cruelty which is, of course, a garden, which is_

_a tenderness, which is a room, a lover saying Hold me_

_tight, it’s getting cold.’_

 

It’s midnight, it’s very cold and Jiho is very far away from the ground.

“What’re you doing up here?”

Jiho turns around too fast at the sound of a voice and his head spins slightly. _There you are_ , he thinks, smiling to himself but it’s followed by, _why are you looking at me like that, like I’m a madman._ But Jiho sees that twinkle in Kyung’s eye, one he’s seen since he was 8 and Jiho thought for the first time that he never wanted Kyung to leave his side. He knows Kyung loves danger – always has – and that should bother Jiho, especially now, but when you’re on the roof of a 30 storey building wondering what would happen if you fell from this height, you take what you get.

“Why wouldn’t I be up here?” Jiho asks, wishing Kyung would say ‘because it’s very dangerous and you’re very close to the edge and I don’t want you to fall.’

“Because it’s fucking freezing and I’m the one who has to follow you up here to make sure you don’t throw yourself off the roof.” That’s what Kyung says instead.

“Would it matter?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions.”

He’s using that tone of voice, the one that scares Jiho a little bit, so he doesn’t say anything else. Instead he looks up to the sky, squinting and spinning in a few lazy circles. In Jiho’s mind it’s a kaleidoscope for the colour blind or the thrill seekers. His body stops spinning but his mind doesn’t, and he suddenly realizes he could take 5 steps to the right and stop existing, stop this whole mess from being taken any further. It’s then that he realizes that this is what it means to dance on the edge of a knife.

His hands itch for a pen.

“What are you doing up here?”

Jiho turns around again, slowly this time. Kyung is still looking at him like he’s a madman but there’s much more concern on his face this time. His eyes dart to the edge of the building and back. Jiho thinks that Kyung might be holding his breath, but Jiho also might be hoping for too much.

“I wanted to be closer to God.” He says, lying down so he can stare upwards at the sky above them. The cold concrete burns his skin, even through his clothes, but he ignores it the best he can.

Jiho can hear Kyung’s shoes pad over to him and clothes rustle as he sits down next to him. Kyung lights a cigarette - Jiho can hear the tobacco quietly burn, see the smoke start to curl towards the sky – and comes to the conclusion that this must be stressing Kyung out too; he’s only ever smoked when he’s really stressed about something. He started smoking a pack a day during the lawsuit with Stardom.

Kyung exhales heavily. “Why?”

“I’ve got some questions that need answering. Thought that maybe if I was closer to Him, He’ll hear me better.”

“Any luck?”

“No, not yet.”

He’s glad Kyung doesn’t ask what the questions are, because even if he did Jiho doesn’t think he’d be able to articulate what they are. He doesn’t even think God Himself could decipher the patterns his brain is thinking in at this moment in time.

“I don’t think God can give you the answers you’re looking for.”

“Who can, then?”

Kyung sighs and looks around. Jiho watches him, watches the way his body twitches in the cold like he’s trying not to shiver and the way he rubs his tired eyes. It looks like Kyung hasn’t been sleeping much either. He notices that Kyung is wearing his hoodie, wrapped himself up in it like it’s some kind of armour, the hood pulled up like a helmet. He wonders bleakly if he considers Jiho the enemy because of this.

 _I’m sorry for being such a burden_ , he wants to say, _I know this is all my fault, but I’m not really in the state to be picking myself up or dusting myself off. I really need some help with this one._

“You know who.” he mutters, avoiding eye contact. He knows Kyung doesn’t want to say it, which is good because Jiho doesn’t want to hear it, but neither of those things change the fact that it’s true. It’s acknowledged between the two of them, even when neither of them wants it to be.

Things had got better between them over the past few months, especially from Kyung’s point of view. Jiho had slowly been getting over his fears, one by one, and Kyung had been there to hold his hand during the entire thing, both literally and figuratively. It started with Jiho not leaving the bed after sex, not flinching when Kyung touched him. He, in turn, began touching Kyung a lot more, just innocent shoulder squeezes or hands on knees. For most couples, these types of things were second nature but for them it was a huge deal and Kyung burst with pride every time he felt Jiho’s warm hands on his body.

The first time Jiho held Kyung’s hand, they were out for dinner with the members. Jiho was having a conversation with Jaehyo and Kyung was listening to Taeil and Jihoon debate about something dumb when he felt Jiho’s warm hand slip into his under the table. Kyung froze on the spot and he’d never been so thankful that no one was paying attention to him before. He noticed Jiho quickly shoot him a glance and a shy smile, a mild blush blooming on his face but Kyung could feel his hand shaking in his own. Jiho was practically radiating nerves (to this day he really isn’t sure how none of the other members noticed) but his hand was there, clammy and firm, linked with his own. He knows; he had to look under the table and physically _see_ his hand to make sure he wasn’t imagining it.

Coming out to members was terrifying, for both of them, but with Jiho becoming more and more comfortable in their relationship it was getting harder and harder to hide it from them. Kyung and Jiho had sat up together the entire night before they decided to do it, purposely not talking about it, just being a source of support for each other. They had spent over ten years with each other and they had somehow managed to survive the past year, so they both knew that even if the worst was to happen, they’d still have each other. In reality, if they had thought about it more logically they would have realized they had nothing to worry about; they both knew their members were supportive and had good hearts and weren’t the types to reject them for who they were. Besides, Kyung was pretty sure Minhyuk knew anyway – he was always watching Jiho and Kyung more closely than the others.

When the time finally come, Jiho’s hand clung to Kyung’s like he would float off into the sky if he didn’t, but he stood bravely in front of the five other boys – back straight and face stony – and told them exactly what he wanted to.

“Me and Kyung are dating.”

Jihoon smiled. Minhyuk and Yukwon shared a knowing look. Taeil sighed and pulled out his wallet, handing a smug Jaehyo a few notes.

“You guys couldn’t have waiting _three more days_ to tell us this.” He says, pushing Jaehyo’s hand away as he stands up. When he looks up and sees Jiho looking about ready to vomit, he quickly smiles. “But really, thank you for telling us. And as the eldest hyung-” there’s a scoff from behind him which he pointedly ignores, “-I’m sure I speak for everyone when we say we’re proud of you and will be supporting you from now on. Not that we weren’t in the first place, but y’know.”

“Thank you, hyung.” Kyung says, feeling like his legs are about to give out in relief. He squeezes Jiho’s hand and who squeezes back, and that was that.

Things had been so good from then on. Deliriously good. They still weren’t very affectionate in front of people, but knowing that they didn’t have to hide it when they were, at least not in front of their members, was like a weight lifted off both of their shoulders.

But then promotions ended and management said they had some free time before they began working on their next mini-album. They were told to rest up and spend some time with their families. Jaehyo immediately hopped on a train and went back to Busan, Yukwon went back to Suwon and Jihoon temporarily moved back into his parents place. Hearing the news, Jiho got a call from his father, asking him to come home for a while. This alone stuck the fear of God into Jiho, but when his father said ‘you should bring Kyung with you to stay for a few days. I haven’t seen that runt in too long’, Jiho’s mind went back to nights locked in hotel bathrooms, kneeling on greyed tiles, hugging toilet bowls.

And that’s how they find themselves on the roof of their dorm building, a matter of hours before they should be at Jiho’s parent’s house. Kyung was pissed, if he was honest, because all it took was one phone call from his father to have all their work ruined, to have the happiness Kyung had been craving to see in Jiho’s eyes ripped away in an instant, but he doesn’t say a word. Jiho’s struggling enough as it is.

“I’m not… I’m going to tell them.” Jiho says, his voice quiet yet forceful, “I can’t keep running away from it.”

Kyung is silent, because Jiho looks like he’s thinking hard about something and Kyung doesn’t really know what to say anyway.

“I need you to do something for me.” Jiho then says, sitting up, looking out across Seoul’s skyline with determination in his eyes. He’s kind of in awe at how brave Jiho is, but he doesn’t want to say it and ruin the moment.

“Anything.”

“Just… stay.” Jiho looks at him and all the false bravado is gone; Kyung can see the fear clearer than anything. “Stay with me. Things are gonna get ugly, tomorrow, they’re gonna get really ugly but please… please don’t leave. You have to stay with me because honestly, I won’t be able to do it on my own.”

Kyung smiles, grabbing Jiho’s closest hand. It’s freezing, so Kyung cups it between his own hands, breathes on it and rubs it quickly to get some heat.

“I don’t know if you know this, Jiho, but I’m not going anywhere. Ever. I think you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life.”

“God, why must I be cursed like this?” he jokes, falling into Kyung’s warm, solid chest. Kyung goes to flick Jiho’s ear, but it’s cold and he’s not _that_ cruel, so instead pokes his cheek before pulling him in and wrapping him up in the hoodie as best as he can.

They sit there silent for a few moments, just the sound of their breathing and the quiet murmur that’s always present in big cities can be heard.

“I love you.”

Honestly, Kyung is inspired. He’s inspired by how brave Jiho had been, despite how scared he knows he is. And Kyung always wanted to tell him, from day one, how much he admires him, but Jiho had always been better with words than he is. So instead Kyung’s choosing to be brave too. Because he could have read this totally wrong; Jiho might not be ready, or he might not feel the same, or it might not be the right time but Kyung has wanted to say it but never been brave enough to for entirely too long. So he decided to take a leap of faith. Because maybe it’s what Jiho needs.

“I love you, Woo Jiho.”

There’s a beat of silence and Kyung’s sure he’s never been this terrified in his whole life, not even when thinking about what awaits him tomorrow, but then Jiho chuckles quietly.

“If you think back six months, what do you think I would have said?”

Kyung frowns, not expecting this reaction, but he answers anyway.

“You probably would have quoted that Leviticus verse to me and left to go pray.”

Jiho laughs again. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?”

“Yeah.” Kyung smiles, unconsciously pulling the boy in his arms tighter. “You especially.”

Jiho stands up suddenly, pulling Kyung up with him. He looks up, clasps their hands together and takes a deep breath.

“You see the stars? How many would you say there are?”

Kyung follows Jiho’s lead and looks up. It’s usually hard to see stars in such a big city, but the sky is really clear tonight and there are a few visible.

“I don’t know, like 15, 20?”

“And how many are there in the Solar System?”

“Billions, probably.”

“And I promise you, Park Kyung, with my whole heart, that while there is at least one star in the sky, I will love you.” Jiho states, smiling coyly at Kyung. “Just like you’re stuck with me forever, I’m stuck loving you forever, as much as I hate to admit it.”

Kyung really wants to cry, feels like he might, so he turns himself away and scrunches up his face.

“You always have to outdo me.” Kyung mumbles. Jiho laughs and pulls Kyung in, holding him tight.

Jiho is terrified about tomorrow, about his families’ reaction and how it’ll all pan out. He really wishes he could pause this moment for a thousand years, just him and Kyung and no one else. But he thinks about how far they’ve come and how far they’ve still got to go and decides he’s not about to stop now.

“I love you, Park Kyung.”

“I love you too, Woo Jiho.”

“Good. Now can we go inside because I’m fucking freezing.”

Kyung laughs as he takes Jiho’s hand and begins leading them towards the stairs, back towards their dorm. And maybe Jiho will sleep in Kyung’s bed tonight instead of his own, but it’s only because when he’s next to Kyung he feels like he can do anything. And maybe tomorrow will be Hell itself, maybe his father will hit him and maybe his mother will cry, but Kyung loves him and said he’s not going to leave, he _promised_ , so maybe everything will be ok. If not now, then eventually.

After all, they have forever to work it out.

 

_‘We have not touched the stars,_

_nor are we forgiven, which brings us back_

_to the hero’s shoulders and the gentleness that comes,_

_not from the absence of violence, but despite_

_the abundance of it.’_

**Author's Note:**

> Both end and beginning quotes from Snow and Dirty Rain by Richard Siken. (I had to keep it consistent with the 'quoting poetry at the beginning and end of the fic' I did for the other part.)
> 
> I never planned on writing a second part for this and yet here it is. I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
